that time i....started nesting

I am the type that likes to avoid change.  I say that I'm a pure millenial and will take it head on, but realistically, I'm the worst military spouse you could ever want.  I want stability.  I want constant.  I want security.

So a few weeks ago, my blog went dark.  That's because when things start changing around me, I go to that deep, dark place inside where I don't want anyone to visit.  I stop communicating, I close up, put up my walls, and tell everyone to "leave me alone."  In facing my flight or fight reaction, and its safe to say, I'm on a one-way flight to Bermuda right now.

Why the change?


Because my husband and I hit the pivotal one-year mark in our geo-bachelor adventure.

Last year, I promised him one year.  One year apart.  One year to "try this new thing out." One year to see if my career, our marriage and Avery could all survive under these extenuating circumstances.

I'm glad to say that yes, they have.

But one thing didn't survive in all of this:  my husband's need to be a family, together.  He just couldn't shake this overwhelming need to be close, to come home every night and say, "hi hunny, how was your day?"

So that's when he started doing the one thing that could really shake my world:  he started looking for houses to buy.  Not rent.  Buy.

Most people would be insanely excited when a husband goes out, starts looking at houses and imagines a new life in a new home.  They would hit the paint store within 5 minutes of the news hitting their email box, and withing 10 minutes, have set up a Pinterest board to capture all the great ideas they want to impliment in the new house.

Me on the other hand?  I wanted to get as far away from the idea of moving as possible.

Do I love my husband?  Absolutely.

Do I want to be with him?  You bet.

Do I want to move?  NO.  Absolutely, 100% no.

And that's when it started happening.  I did what I thought only pregnant women did:  I started nesting.  I started hanging more photos around my house.  I unpacked boxes that had sat in my dining room for 18 months labeled "home decor" that I was too overwhelmed to deal with before.  I even made...a burlap wreath for my door.  (THE HORROR!)

I realized that my actions were the complete and total opposite reaction to someone who wants to be with their husband.  I was digging my heals in the sand and not giving in.  I was going to make my home and even better version of the home.

I paraded around my upgrades to my husband, only to make things worse.  He realized he wanted to live in the house with all the photos on the wall.  He wanted the home decor that wasn't unpacked.  And he wanted a burlap wreath welcoming new visitors to his door.

I haven't decided what I should do.  Do I stay or do I go.  Most wives (ok - 99.9% of you) would say GO.  But between careers, school and family, I just have the ache to stay here.  I feel there is no perfect answer.

In the meantime, Hobby Lobby might be getting a boost in profits this quarter.  Until I can make a decision and stop hiding from the world.